GAUNTANAMERA coincidence

GAUNTANAMERA coincidence

My girlfriend was watching the Food Network back at her place on Long Island. She was watching Rachael Ray. She calls me in Montreal and asks “Why didn’t you tell me there was a huge open market in Montreal? We’ve been going out for 3 years and you never mentioned an open market! You know I love open markets.” She was speaking of the Jean Talon Market in Montreal. Apparently Rachael Ray was doing a show from Montreal and she was in the Jean Talon Market. So I told Nefta, my girlfriend, I would take her to the market next time she comes up to see me. A week or so later she came up to see me. We made plans to go to the market on Saturday. The night before our trip to the market she was transferring music to her MP3 player from my computer. For some reason I blurted out “Do you have that Spanish song I like?” It was a weird question because she wasn’t listening to Spanish music, it’s just something that popped into my head. She asked “What Spanish song?” I said that I didn’t know the name of it but it went something like this…I started humming it for half a second and immediately she knew the song and said “GUANTANAMERA!” “YES!” I said, “That’s the song! How did you guess it so fast?” For the next few minutes we were singing Guantanamera and dancing around the apartment. She knew the words, I didn’t. So she sang it properly and I just kept repeating “Guantanamera” over and over again. It was funny.

THE VERY NEXT DAY we go to the Jean Talon Market. It was a gorgeous day, hot and sunny. We found a parking a few blocks away and walked to the market. Making stops here and there in some random stores. The market was amazing, it was my first time there too. We walked into a huge fruit and vegetable store, spent a few minutes in there. Then we walked into the “indoor” section of the market. We went into a little shop and bought some spices and a hazel nut spread, looked at several other food places and eventually made our way to the “outdoor” section of the market, the section with all the outdoor terraces and street vendors, and shops and food. As soon as we exit the indoor section and step out into the bright sunny outdoor section Nefta and I stare at each other as we come to the same realization and shock at the same time, both our jaws drop in disbelief. Right there, as soon as we step out into the outdoor section, is a lone street musician, he looked like some kind of Aztec or ancient Indian, and he was playing GUANTANAMERA.

Had we not stepped out at that exact time, if we had spent a couple of minutes more in one of the shops, had we not parked where we were and had to walk, we would have missed him sing THAT song. I took it as a sign from the Gods, and I bought the street musician’s CD.

This particular coincidence is our favorite coincidence.

HOMO MILK coincidence

HOMO MILK coincidence

I was with my girlfriend in the grocery store one day, in the dairy section. My girlfriend is getting a carton of milk. I am standing a few feet away from her. I tell her to “Make sure you get the 2 percent not the HOMO MILK.” She looks at me like I’m crazy. “What?!” she exclaims. I say it again, “2 percent, not homo.” She gives me a look that can only be described as complete shock and disbelief. I say it again, this time louder and slower, “2 percent, not homo.” She tells me to keep it down, someone might hear me. This confused me, hear what? I was getting a bit annoyed myself. “Not the homo milk!” I said again. My girlfriend looks around wildly, afraid that someone heard me. She tries to shut me up.

Let me explain the confusion. Nefta, my Girlfriend is American, from New York. I am Canadian. Back when I was a kid, growing up in Canada, we didn’t have all the different kinds of milk like they have these days. There was no such thing as Soy Milk, Non Dairy Milk, Lactose Free Milk, 1 Percent, Almond Milk, Tahini Milk, Lactaid, VitaSoy. Back then we had only 2 choices; 2 percent and HOMOGENIZED milk, which everybody called homo milk for short. This was 30 years ago, never did it dawn on me or anyone else at the time that we could be referring to anything other than milk. This was before the politically correct era, and before gay people were coming out of their closets. Ask any one my age who grew up in Canada, and they will verify that it was indeed referred to as homo milk by kids and Moms and Dads everywhere.

Back to the coincidence. So I explain all this to my girlfriend after we leave the store. She, of course, doesn’t believe me. It was weird enough for her to see that we sell milk in bags, but that is a story for another day. She thinks I was making up the whole thing up about Homogenized milk being called homo milk.

THE VERY NEXT DAY; I come back from a day of work at the studio, and this is what she tells me as soon as I get home; She was watching TV, and there was a commercial. In the commercial there is an old guy in front of the TV. The old lady is going out for groceries and asks the old guy if he needs anything. He replies “HOMO MILK, not 2 percent.” Nefta literally fell off the bed when he said that. I guess she’ll think twice next time before doubting me.

PEG CLIMBING coincidence

PEG CLIMBING coincidence

My girlfriend and I were watching a fantastic game show from Japan. It’s an obstacle course type thing that contestants have to finish. It was really interesting, with obstacles such as running over floating balls, swinging from a vine, climbing a spinning wind mill, and a couple of other neat feats of agility. I loved this show! And this was only part 1, I couldn’t wait for part 2. This was going to be very exciting. But we didn’t know when part 2 was going to be on.

A week or so later, I was bragging to Nefta, my girlfriend about how I used to be the only one, of all my friends, that was able to climb the peg board in the gym. When I used to work out in high school, there was a peg board in the gym, and everyone that tried to climb it to the top…failed; except for me. I was able to climb it all the time. I was very strong back then, and in amazing shape. So I was saying this to my girlfriend one night, bragging about my athletic prowess back then.

THE VERY NEXT DAY, we turn on the TV and the second part of that Japanese Game Show is on! Oh joy! We watch the show and see that they have all different events for part 2. Gone are floating balls and swinging vine and wind mill. As soon as I saw the new obstacle I immediately bolted up and yelled “THE PEGS!! THE PEGS!! I CAN CLIMB THE PEGS!!! WE JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY!”

Yes indeed, one of the new obstacles was the Peg Board. Chalk that one up as another of our coincidences.

As for the show, the funniest part was when this one guy was on the peg board. He pulled out the peg in his right hand, then he pulled out the left peg….BEFORE inserting the right peg. Needless to say gravity doesn’t work that way, you can’t float there with BOTH pegs pulled out of the holes. I laughed hysterically when he fell.

ABBA coincidence

ABBA coincidence

My girlfriend was up to see me for a week. The last night she was at my place, I was listening to the music of ABBA. I asked her if she likes ABBA, she says she loves ABBA, especially the song “Dancing Queen.” So I put on dancing queen and we sing and dance around my apartment to the song.

The VERY NEXT MORNING she takes the grey hound bus back to New York. When she gets out at Penn Station what does she see and hear right there in the train station? A Mexican Mariachi band playing Dancing Queen by ABBA! Her jaw hit the floor and she called me right away to tell me. That’s the best part about our coincidences, it is never something mundane; it’s not like it was just that she heard ABBA on the radio or saw a video on TV. It has to have a weird twist to it, like a Mexican Mariachi band covering an ABBA song. That is pretty out of the ordinary.

The PENNY FARTHING coincidence

The PENNY FARTHING coincidence.

There is an old fashioned bike called a penny farthing. You may have seen it in cartoons. It has a HUGE GIANT wheel in the front and a TINY LITTLE wheel in the back. It was a bike that was only popular in the 1870’s. The only reason I even know what it is called is because back in 1989, when I was in college I learned what it was from a friend. I have not thought about that bike or the strange name of the bike since then…until a few months ago. I was in my apartment, suddenly the words PENNY FARTHING pop into my head, a word I only used one time back in 1989. I have not thought of that word for 16 years. I was surprised that I could still remember it. And why did it suddenly pop into my head after all these years? It became an obsession of mine. I wanted to OWN a penny farthing! I had to have one! I would be the only person in Montreal with a bike like that. I would be known as “THAT GUY WITH THE PENNY FARTHING.” So I tell my girlfriend about it, while we were instant messaging over the computer. Of course I had to explain to her what a penny farthing is. So we looked at penny farthings on the internet. Right away she said “NO WAY.” She did not approve of me owning a penny farthing. I begged and pleaded with her, but she was completely opposed to the idea. She did humor by looking at them on the internet though. We also found a video clip of how to mount and dismount on one of these bikes, not an easy thing to do. And we found a video clip of someone wiping out on a penny farthing. It is worse than wiping out on a regular bike because the bike is 5 or 6 feet tall, with no brakes!

Here comes the coincidence part!

THE VERY NEXT DAY, my girlfriend went to get a bite to eat. She decided to go to this Chinese place she always go to. It is in a strip mall. There is another restaurant in the strip mall too, a steak BBQ place. She drove in to the strip mall in her car. Something caught her eye. She almost smashed into a wall because she was so shocked at what she saw. There, leaned against the wall of the steak place…A PENNY FARTHING!!

The very same bike we had we talked about the night before, the very same bike she had never seen or heard of in her life until I obsessed about it and wanted to get one. So she called me immediately after she almost smashed her car. I was as shocked as her. I’m the one that wanted a penny farthing, but she is the one gets to see one for real! What are the odds of seeing a bike this rare the day after we spend an hour on the internet looking at this type of bike?

There’s more to this story!

I was still obsessing about the penny farthing the next night. I took it as a sign from the Gods that I needed to own a penny farthing. How else can you explain what just happened? She still said NO. So we looked at other bikes on the internet. She found something called a TANDEM BIKE. I asked what that was. She sent me a link to a website. I saw the bike. I know these bikes! I did not know they were called tandem bikes. I always called them DOUBLE BIKES, or 2 PERSON BIKES. I absolutely was not interested in getting a tandem bike, I wanted a penny farthing. But I humored her as we looked at tandem bikes on the internet. Neither of us have ever actually seen a tandem bike for real, only in movies and cartoons.

THE VERY NEXT DAY, my girlfriend was driving to school in the morning. It is normally a 15 minute drive. But this time there was traffic and she wasn’t even half way there yet and it was already a half hour drive. There is never traffic on that road! So there she is stuck in traffic and a huge trailer pulls up into the lane next to her. She was stuck in traffic for 20 minutes right next to this trailer. It was like those trailers that carry cars. Only this one was not carrying cars. It was carrying about 20 TANDEM BIKES!!!!!

My girlfriend, Nefta, is more convinced than ever that her life is being staged like in the movie THE TRUEMAN SHOW.

FUZZY TRANSMISSION

This month I will be writing about the strange, cosmic, outrageous coincidences that have manifested whenever my girlfriend and I get together. If you've ever seen the movie "SIGNS" you will remember the line repeated throughout the film, "There are no coincidences." Everything happens for a reason.

BEER AND CEREAL DREAM

BEER AND CEREAL DREAM

My Mom sends me to the store. She wants me to go to the beer store and buy 24 beers. She gives me six empty bottles to return. She says to buy 24 bottles of Amstel in the Beer Store and then go to the grocery store to but some cereal. I go to the beer store first. I see cereal boxes in the beer store, on the top shelf, above the beer. I buy CAP 'N CRUNCH.

THE END

TOM JONES DREAM

TOM JONES DREAM

Tom Jones and I are walking and singing "What's New Pussycat." He tells me he is leaving in six hours. I wanted to play golf with him.

The End.

PRESIDENT WRESTLING SEX DREAM

PRESIDENT WRESTLING SEX DREAM

I am the President of a country, or a wrestling organization, I'm not sure which one. I go paranoid when I become filthy, stinkin' rich. All around me there are orgies going on in my headquarters. Outside of the apartment or headquarters or hotel, or whatever building it was, GODZILLA is destroying the city, my city. I grab my girlfriend and hide her in the closet. I also grab a skid with a pile of money on it and stick it in the closet next to the girl. I put the girl and the money behind the clothes, so if someone opens the closet and doesn't look behind the clothes, my money and the girl won't be found. A man, dressed in a disguise, wants to hide in the closet too. I am suspicious of him. I'm sure he only wants my money and my girl. He is wearing a mask of GORBECHEV. I hit him on the head repeatedly with a rubber hammer. Then, someone with a MOTHER TERESSA mask tries to get into the closet. So I hit her in the head repeatedly with a rubber hammer. The hammer makes a funny BONK sound when I hit them. The bonk sound proves they are wearing masks. Everyone in the city is fleeing from the giant monsters fighting each other. Now I am the only one left in the city, with my skid of money and 2 girls. Everyone else has evacuated. The monsters are destroying the city and buildings. I am secretly being recorded having sex with the 2 girls in my office, while the monsters smash my city to pieces. A former cabinet minister is the one secretly recording me. He wants to prove that I have gone insane, so he can oust me and take over as president. I ask one of the girls if this is one of those countries where a chocolate bar costs a hundred thousand dollars. Meanwhile, at the border of my country, thousands of wrestlers, are waiting on motorcycles to come back into my country once the monsters are gone. They are just sitting on their motorcycles, talking and drinking, until it is safe to return.

BLOB DREAM

BLOB DREAM

A white blob is devouring everything in it's path. Everyone on the city is running and screaming and fleeing in terror. Some kids and my brother and I are on bicycles. We are trying to get away and gather as many people as we can. I am double riding my brother on my bike. The rest of the kids on bikes are also doubling the people they gather to get them to safety. The blob is coming after us. It corners us at a school. Suddenly it stops. It is not moving. It is in a dormant stage. So we run away. We leave the dormant blob at the school. Later on, I see this guy that looks like an Adonis, with blond hair and huge muscles walking in the middle of the street, toward me. Behind him is the most beautiful blond woman I have ever seen. And then Jim Morrison, Joe Pesci and I figure out that the blob evolved into these two blond people, that is why it went into a dormant stage.

The End.